My teen daughter likes to sit on her phone and scroll when she gets home from school each day. It is her downtime, she says. Her time to relax and decompress after a stressful day at school.
I understand that. After being in an environment that brings anxiety to me, I too like to return home and sit for a period of time. For me, the best way to unwind is through reading a book, but I do not force that same form of relaxation on my children. I know that not everyone enjoys reading as much as I do, and that the way to destress is different for different people.
But I also know that sitting on her phone for 30 minutes after school can easily turn into an hour if we do not monitor it. And I also know, because I have witnessed it too many times to count, that when we do not monitor her and that 30 minutes turns into an hour or an hour and a half, her mood changes. It changes greatly.
So what I have “lovingly” tried to do is talk to her about the benefits of exercise.
I do not care one iota if my children are star athletes. Not one bit. I have a son who played — and still plays– soccer and two other kids who play high school and college sports. And then I have this daughter who cares very, very little for sports but who plays golf for her high school team (because I made her).
And the reason I made her try out for her high school golf team is because I wanted her to be a part of something — and if that sometime also included getting outdoors and moving her body, well, even better.
So she ended up on her school’s golf team– and discovered that she was pretty good at golf.
But being good at something naturally and liking it enough to go practice in order to get better at it are two different things.
So each August, she tries out and makes the golf team for school. She goes to matches and practices, does pretty well and finishes out the season right in the middle (not the best on the team, but not the worst either).
She promises herself (and us) that she will practice starting in the spring when the weather gets warm so she will be better by August tryouts, but then doesn’t, instead coming home from school and decompressing by sitting on her phone.
So that is where we are now.
As I said, I encouraged her to begin exercising. We belong to a gym and I told her that I would go with her to the gym several days a week.
Of course, she resisted.
What she actually said was “why can’t you leave me along? I just want to be left alone!”
Which I did for a few minutes.
Then I returned and told her again that if she went and exercised, she may feel that all that stress was more manageable.
According to the CDC, children and teens need around an hour of moderate to high intensity exercise a day.
That was asking a lot.
I left her alone. I know that she needs to reflect when I propose a new idea. Perhaps she needed time.
So I waited.
And then went back.
She knew I was not going to give up. So she put her phone down (after I asked her to just listen to me for a few minutes) and listened.
Here are the steps I took and what I proposed:
Step 1: Finding out what exercise she could (or would) want to do–
What does she like to do? Running? No, absolutely not, she told me.
Lifting weights? Well, sometimes, maybe, she said.
Swimming? Yes, she does like to swim and would like to begin swimming laps.
Ah ha! We had found something.
Step 2: What to do with this information?
Let’s come up with a schedule, I offered.
No, she did not like that idea and she hates schedules, she said (today, at least. She hates schedules today when I am proposing them).
Okay, not a schedule per say, but a commitment to swim three days a week. Every week may be different– more homework on certain days than on other days– but commit to swimming three days every single week.
Yes, she said, she could do that.
Step 3: Offering to join her (so we could spend time together and I could ensure she does it
Okay, I told her, swimming three days a week is doable, right?
Yes, she agreed it was.
I told her that I too need to start exercising more. I especially need to begin including strength training in my workouts.
I would love to go to the gym on the days she goes and do my strength training while she swims.
She thought that would work.
Now let’s be clear. My daughter was not overjoyed with this decision, nor did she love the idea that we were going to be doing something together three days a week.
Or so it appeared.
